When Scripture Is Twisted: Exposing Emotional Abuse in Christian Homes
- Amy Diane Ross
- Jun 9
- 7 min read
Introduction: A Message to My Sisters in Christ
Today's blog post is not an easy task. It’s taken me a long time to put together, not because I didn’t want to share it, but because I wanted to handle it with the weight and reverence it deserves. We’re diving into the very real, very heartbreaking reality of emotional abuse, especially as it occurs in the church.
This isn’t just about statistics, though they are staggering. One in three women in the USA is in an abusive relationship. In the church, however? One in four. This isn’t just a “worldly” problem. It’s a church problem, too. And it’s one I’m seeing more and more in my ministry to women.
We must get honest, and we must get biblical.
"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." — Psalm 34:18
What Emotional Abuse Looks Like in Real Life
Many women don’t even realize they’re being emotionally abused because it often masquerades as “leadership,” “discipline,” or even “spiritual headship.”
Verbal Attacks:
"You’re so stupid. I can’t believe you did that."
Sarcasm used to shame: “You could have a man who goes to the bars."
Yelling to intimidate and silence you, not resolve the issues.
Manipulation and Gaslighting:
“If you really loved me, you would (fill in the blank)
“You’re imagining things. That never happened.”
“I wouldn’t yell if you didn’t act this way.”
"You are just too sensitive."
Isolation and Withholding:
Silent treatment to punish.
Preventing church involvement.
Withholding money, transportation, or affection.
Using Scripture as a Weapon:
“God hates divorce, you’re stuck with me.”
“You’re supposed to submit, so be quiet and do what I say."
“Forgive and forget” without accountability.
"You are to build me up, you are a helpmate." This implies that her gifts and calling are irrelevant.
"Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them." — Colossians 3:19
The Long-Term Effects on Women
1. Shattered Identity
Over time, emotional abuse rewrites a woman’s sense of worth. Constant criticism, belittling, and gaslighting begin to sound like truth. She starts to believe, “I’m unlovable. I’m always the problem. Maybe I deserve this.”
She loses confidence in her decisions, silences her voice, and questions her ability to hear from God. In public, she may smile. But privately, she no longer recognizes the woman in the mirror.
"The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit." Proverbs 18:21
2. Chronic Anxiety
Living with emotional abuse trains the brain to expect danger. She becomes hyperaware of tone changes, silence, facial expressions, or footsteps in the hallway. Her nervous system is constantly in a state of survival mode.
Simple tasks become hard. She second-guesses every word, terrified of saying or doing the “wrong thing.” She may experience constant tension, sleep issues, panic attacks, or physical symptoms like stomach pain and a racing heart.
3. Depression and Despair
Hope becomes hard to hold. She may feel emotionally numb, deeply sad, or disconnected from life. Joy is no longer accessible; just going through the motions to survive.
Even her spiritual life suffers. Worship feels empty. Reading the Bible can feel triggering when Scripture has been used to shame or control her. She wonders, “Where is God in this?”
4. Isolation
Abuse thrives in silence. Whether through shame, fear, or manipulation, many women pull away from the very people who could help them.
They stop sharing, even with close friends. They may withdraw from church, avoid group settings, and become emotionally shut down. Trust is gone both in others and in themselves. Even deciding what to cook or what to wear can feel overwhelming.
5. Spiritual Confusion and Guilt
For women in the church, emotional abuse often comes with spiritual distortion. Scripture is twisted to demand silence, submission, or shame.
She wonders if God is punishing her, if she’s not a “good enough” Christian wife, or if it’s sinful to ask for help. She may feel pressure to endure abuse as a form of holiness, thinking that suffering in silence is obedience.
"My people are destroyed from lack of knowledge." — Hosea 4:6
6. PTSD and Complex Trauma
This isn’t “just in her head.” Years of emotional abuse can result in actual trauma responses: flashbacks, nightmares, emotional shutdown, and walking on eggshells.
She never knows what version of her spouse she’s going to face. Will he be kind or explosive? Calm or cold and silent? The fear of triggering a reaction makes her suppress every emotion and avoid every need. Her brain and body are stuck in crisis mode.
7. Intimacy and Future Relationships
Even after escaping an abusive relationship, healing is a long road. Trust feels dangerous. Vulnerability feels impossible.
Some women avoid relationships altogether. Others unintentionally sabotage new, healthy connections because abuse has conditioned them to expect manipulation. Love feels unfamiliar. Safe feels scary.
The Silent Victims: How Emotional Abuse Affects Children
Emotional abuse doesn’t stay contained within a marriage it flows into the atmosphere of the entire home. Children absorb everything, even when nothing is said out loud. And what they learn in that silence can shape their view of love, relationships, and God.
1. Emotional Instability
Children raised in emotionally abusive homes often live with chronic anxiety. They walk on eggshells just like the abused parent, constantly monitoring moods and bracing for conflict. This can result in nervousness, sleep disorders, and mood swings.
2. Confusion About Love and Authority
When a child watches one parent belittles or control the other, especially under the guise of “biblical headship,” they grow up confused about what love looks like. Daughters may believe they must tolerate abuse to be “godly,” while sons may think control equals strength.
“Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” — Ephesians 6:4
3. Long-Term Relationship Dysfunction
Children from abusive homes often replicate those patterns in adulthood. They either become fearful of commitment or enter into toxic relationships because dysfunction feels familiar. Without intervention, abuse becomes generational.
4. Spiritual Damage
If abuse is happening in a home where Christ is professed, children can begin to associate God with fear, hypocrisy, or control. This can lead to deep spiritual wounds, rebellion, or a complete rejection of the faith later in life.
5. Guilt and Responsibility
Many children believe the conflict is their fault. They think, “If I were better, Dad wouldn’t yell,” or “If I hadn’t spoken up, Mom wouldn’t have cried.” That misplaced guilt can follow them for decades.
What Scripture Actually Teaches
Malachi 2:16:
"The man who hates and divorces his wife," says the Lord, the God of Israel, "does violence to the one he should protect," says the Lord Almighty. "So be on your guard, and do not be unfaithful."
This isn’t just about avoiding divorce, it’s about calling out the treachery and cruelty that leads to it. God is not ok with the abuse that often leads to divorce or separation. Men have a responsibility to love their wives and be tender with them. They are the provider and protector, not someone to be served but rather someone who serves. After all, is this not what Jesus did?
Colossians 3:19:
"Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them."
Isaiah 61:1:
"The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners."
Ephesians 5:25:
"Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her."
Why Christian Women Stay Silent
Fear of not being believed
Shame and spiritual confusion
Misapplied Scripture
Church pressure to preserve marriage at all costs
Lies they believe, such as if I were just a better, more submissive wife, he wouldn't act like this.
I want to honor my husband by protecting him.
When Abuse Breaks the Covenant
Emotional abuse is not a “communication issue.” It is a sin that violates the marriage covenant.
"Do not make friends with a hot-tempered person, do not associate with one easily angered." — Proverbs 22:24
When emotional neglect, spiritual oppression, and unrepentant harm continue after support and confrontation, separation and sometimes divorce may be a biblically defensible boundary.
"But if the unbeliever leaves, let it be so. The brother or the sister is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace." — 1 Corinthians 7:15
God’s Heart for You
God does not require women to stay in situations that destroy their spirit, safety, and identity. We are not martyrs for marriage. We are called to be living sacrifices for Christ, not abusers.
"The Lord is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble." Psalm 9:9
"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." Psalm 147:3
Resources for Healing
Books: The Emotionally Destructive Marriage by Leslie Vernick, Is It Abuse? by Darby Strickland
Support: Called to Peace Ministries, trauma-informed Christian counseling
Final Word
Sister, please do not suffer in silence anymore. Go to your Pastor or a trusted friend in the church and seek help. Seek help for yourself and your husband. Staying silent does not bring him honor; instead, it enables his sin and hinders his Christian Walk or ability to become a Christian. Truth sets the captives free.
I pray that as the church, we become a refuge for women to speak truth and for men to hold each other accountable. That we do not use words like "submission" or "God hates divorce" to allow and even enable abuse anymore. Let us become equipped with an understanding of what abuse is and how to address it effectively. God does hate divorce, but He also hates abuse, oppression, injustice, and those who break their covenants by abandoning their role in loving their wives as Christ loves HIs church.
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