Why Modern Marriages Struggle: Husbands Ignoring the Biblical Call

I keep hearing men say things like, “I don’t know how my wife has put up with me all these years,” or “I don’t deserve her,” or “I know I make it hard to love me, but…”

Every time I hear it, something rises up in me. Not anger for the sake of anger, but a deep conviction about how far modern Christian men have drifted from the biblical standard God Himself gave them.

Here is why this language troubles me: My husband does not say those words. Not because he thinks he is perfect, but because he takes God’s assignment for husbands seriously. He knows he is a gift to me by the Father and makes every effort to make our marriage reflect the gospel.

He lives under the authority of Scripture, not culture. He reads the Word, obeys the Word, and walks out his calling with humility, integrity, and sacrifice. When a man actually loves as Christ commands him to love, he never has to wonder why his wife stays. He confidently knows he has made it a joy for her to walk beside him.

This is not about perfection. This is about obedience. Many Christian men today are not obeying the call God has placed on them. They took the vows without taking on the mandate.

It’s time we talk about that!

Christlike Love Makes Marriage a Joy, Not a Burden

My husband takes seriously the command in Ephesians 5:25-28 where Paul writes, “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her.” Christ did not love His Bride with passivity, selfishness, or occasional effort. He loved her with sacrifice, consistency, tenderness, service, and unshakable faithfulness.

A man who loves like that does not need to say, “I don’t deserve her." A man who loves like that makes marriage a rest, not a war zone.

My husband wakes up each morning looking for ways to bless me. He considers me before himself. He lightens my load. He honors me as a daughter of the King, not as a burden or a nuisance. He protects my heart by guarding his own. He keeps his mind pure, avoids sexual sin, stays off the paths that destroy families, and refuses to give Satan a foothold in our home. He is faithful in his dealings, quick to repent, slow to anger, gentle in speech, and consistent in seeking God with his whole heart.

He is not perfect, but he is obedient, and obedience produces peace in our home and marriage.

A Biblical Husband Should Carry the Weight God Gave Him

Before Eve was ever formed, Adam was given responsibility, work, spiritual stewardship, and leadership Genesis 2. A husband who refuses to carry the weight God assigned him leaves his wife carrying loads she was not designed to bear.

Scripture calls the wife the weaker vessel in 1 Peter 3:7, not lesser, not inferior, but more delicate, more vulnerable, and more in need of her husband’s covering. Peter warns husbands to “live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor.” And then he adds something sobering:

if a man is harsh with his wife, God will hinder his prayers.

A man cannot mistreat his wife and still walk closely with God. The two cannot coexist.

When a man obeys Scripture, He provides. He protects. He leads gently. He guards his heart. He guards his home. He holds fast to integrity. He makes decisions with wisdom and sobriety. He repents quickly and speaks with self-control. He leads her to Christ and His people. He builds her up in her giftings, ensuring she is becoming all God has meant for her to become. This is what creates safety, peace, and joy in a home and in marriage.

Why Some Men Keep Apologizing Instead of Changing

Many Christian men today repeatedly say, “I’m hard to love,” or “I don’t deserve my wife,” or "I don't know how she puts up with me," not because they are humble, but because they know they are not submitted to the Word of God. They know they are making her life harder. They know they are not loving her correctly. Deep down, they know they chose themselves over her.

The proof is they are Passive, Angry, Harsh, Unfaithful, emotionally absent, spiritually cold, unwilling to be the provider, walking in pornography, living inconsistent, double-minded lives, and instead of repenting, they use insincere phrases that sound like an apology. Instead of changing, they walk in self-pity. Instead of stepping into the call of biblical manhood, they leave their wives to carry both the emotional and physical load of the home, finances, parenting, and spiritual leadership.

This is not Christlike love. A husband who is obeying Scripture does not force his wife to beg for affection, for help, or for godly leadership.

The Fruit of Obedient Husbands: Scripture and Research Agree

When men walk in sacrificial, Christlike love, marriages flourish.

Ephesians 5 paints the picture. Proverbs 31 confirms it. Colossians 3:19 commands it. The entire New Testament reinforces it.

Even modern secular research shows that marriages thrive when men: Sacrifice, lead spiritually, serve their families, remain faithful, communicate gently, protect their homes, stay emotionally present, work diligently, honor their wives publicly and privately, encourage her in her calling, and support her dreams.

Men who pray with their wives see a drastic reduction in divorce risk. Men who attend church consistently and obey Scripture produce stable homes. Men who live selflessly experience deeper intimacy, trust, and unity in their marriages.

The world is just now discovering what Scripture has said for 2,000 years: God’s design works best!

Biblical Submission Becomes a Joy When a Husband Loves Sacrificially

Women do not struggle to submit to a man who cherishes them the way Christ cherishes His church. When a husband leads with tenderness, integrity, humility, and sacrificial love, submission is not a battle for the wife. It becomes safe. It becomes a partnership. It becomes the natural response to a man who is laying down his life for her good. This is why I do not battle with submission. I desire it. I trust my husband’s leadership because it looks like Christ's. He has made it easy to be married to him.

A Word to Christian Men:

If you claim Christ but refuse to work, if you put burdens on your wife God never intended for her to carry, if you are harsh, selfish, unfaithful, distracted, addicted, or emotionally absent, or worse yet, abusive, your issue is not personality. It is a sin. Stop apologizing and repent. Stop making excuses and obey the Word. Stop pitying yourself and rise up into biblical manhood.

You made a covenant before God, your wife, your family, and the church. Honor it!

Here is our challenge to you: One year from now, make it your goal never again to say, “I don’t know how she puts up with me.” Instead, strive to speak with confidence, humility, and gratitude: “I have made her life so blessed that I don’t know how she could live without me.”

That is Christlike love, my friend! That is biblical manhood. That is obedience.

Conclusion

Marriage is not meant to be a battlefield of excuses. It is intended to be a living testimony of the gospel of Christ loving His Bride and the Bride responding with joyful trust. Men who walk in obedience make that gospel visible to her and all around her. Women who are cherished flourish in their God-given calling. Homes built on Christlike sacrifice become havens of peace. The problem today is not that women are “too emotional” or “too independent.” It is that too many men profess Christ while refusing to live as Christ. This is causing women to feel broken and burdened to the point of losing themselves and who God intended them to be. No wife should think that her life is more burdensome than it was as a single woman. Marriage is meant to be a partnership that lightens the load because two become one in the work of the gospel.

This must be a call back to Scripture. A call back to sacrifice. A call back to the covenant. A call back to biblical manhood that makes marriage a joy, a refuge, and a testimony of the love of Jesus Christ. Her life should be easier because of you, not that she works harder, cries more, feels trapped because of her faith, or is exhausted in every way because of the load she is forced to now carry.