Pornography, Adultery, and the Lie We Tell Ourselves About Love

A Christian Man’s Examination of Covenant, Holiness, and the Call to Repentance

The Question We Avoid and Why It Matters

A woman recently asked a question that the church often sidesteps because the answer is uncomfortable: If a husband continues to watch pornography, what does that mean?

The question is not academic. It is pastoral, marital, theological, and deeply practical. It touches covenant, holiness, discipleship, and the credibility of Christian witness. Yet too often, we answer it with psychological language alone, stress, habit, addiction, without asking how Jesus Himself defines the issue.

Before we can answer what pornography “means,” we must define what love means. Scripture never allows us to define love by sentiment or self-assessment. Love is revealed by allegiance, obedience, and sacrifice. Anything less is a modern substitute.

Jesus Did Not Redefine Adultery He Exposed It

When Jesus addressed adultery in Matthew 5, He was not intensifying the law for dramatic effect. He was restoring its original intent. The seventh commandment was never meant to regulate only physical acts; it was meant to guard covenant loyalty at the level of the heart.

“Everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” (Matthew 5:28)

The language matters. Jesus is not condemning intrusive thoughts or momentary temptation. Scripture is clear that temptation itself is not sin (Hebrews 4:15). He is addressing intentional, sustained desire that is welcomed, nurtured, and acted upon internally. Pornography fits squarely into this category. It is not accidental. It requires planning, secrecy, and repeated consent of the will. It is the movement of desire toward fulfillment, even if the fulfillment is digital rather than physical. Jesus offers no loophole here. He names it what it is: adultery of the heart.

Covenant Is Not a Metaphor It Is a Moral Reality

Marriage in Scripture is not merely relational; it is covenantal. Malachi describes marriage as a covenant witnessed by God Himself (Malachi 2:14). Jesus affirms this covenantal reality in Matthew 19, grounding marriage not in cultural norms but in God’s creational design. Covenant fidelity includes exclusivity of desire, not merely exclusivity of bodies. A man does not honor a covenant because he has avoided physical contact with another woman; he honors a covenant when his loyalty, body, mind, and desire are guarded.

Pornography fractures covenant in two directions. First, it violates faithfulness to God, who claims the body as His own (1 Corinthians 6:19–20). Second, it violates faithfulness to one’s wife, who has been promised exclusive love and protection. The secrecy involved compounds the betrayal. Covenant is not broken only by public acts; it is eroded by hidden ones.

Love in Scripture Is Defined by Obedience and Self-Giving

Modern culture defines love primarily in terms of feeling. Scripture does not. Jesus repeatedly ties love to obedience:

“If you love Me, you will keep My commandments.” (John 14:15)

Paul ties love in marriage to Christ’s self-giving sacrifice:

“Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her.” (Ephesians 5:25)

Christ’s love is exclusive, faithful, and costly. It does not indulge competing desires in private while professing devotion in public. It protects rather than exploits. It gives rather than consumes.

When a man persists in pornography while claiming love for his wife, the issue is not the intensity of his feelings but the definition of love he is operating with. Biblically speaking, love that repeatedly chooses self-gratification over holiness and faithfulness is not love it is a contradiction.

Pornography Is Not a Private Sin It Is a Social One

Pornography trains the heart to objectify image-bearers rather than honor them. Scripture commands believers to view others not as means of gratification but as neighbors to be loved (Luke 10; Romans 13:10). Pornography does the opposite; it reduces persons to products. While not every individual in the industry is trafficked, credible research consistently shows high rates of coercion, abuse histories, addiction, and economic desperation among performers. The industry thrives on demand, and demand has moral weight. Christians cannot meaningfully claim neutrality while participating in systems that depend on dehumanization. Historically, the church understood sexual sin not merely as personal failure but as corruption that weakens the entire body. Paul’s warning that “a little leaven leavens the whole lump” (1 Corinthians 5:6) was not metaphorical rhetoric it was a communal reality.

The Church’s Accountability Problem

In many churches, accountability has been reduced to behavior monitoring. Men are asked whether they “slipped” or “stayed clean,” but rarely whether they loved sacrificially, walked in holiness, or guarded their wife’s heart. This is a shallow form of discipleship. Scripture does not ask merely whether sin was avoided; it asks whether love was practiced. A man can abstain for a week and still fail to love. True accountability presses deeper: How was Christ reflected? How was holiness pursued? How was one’s wife cherished and protected? When pornography is treated as a common struggle rather than a serious covenant issue, the church unintentionally trains men to manage sin rather than repent of it.

Repentance Is Not Shame It Is the Path to Freedom

This discussion is not meant to shame men, but it must sober them. Grace does not redefine sin; it empowers transformation. Repentance in Scripture is not merely regret it is a decisive turning of allegiance.

Freedom from pornography is not achieved by willpower alone but by reordered love. When God is loved supremely, holiness becomes desirable rather than restrictive. When a wife is loved as Christ loves the church, her dignity becomes something to protect, not something to risk.

Transformation requires truth, accountability, confession, and often radical restructuring of habits and access. Jesus Himself used severe language when speaking about sexual sin, not because He was harsh, but because He understood the cost of minimizing it.

A Call to the Church and to Men

The question is not whether pornography is common. The question is whether the church will continue to redefine love in ways Jesus never did. If we love God, we will pursue holiness. If we love our wives, we will guard our hearts and eyes. If we love our neighbors, we will refuse to participate in their exploitation.

The church does not need better excuses or softer language. It needs men who are willing to agree with Jesus about what love truly is and to live accordingly.

STATS

While Scripture confronts pornography as a heart issue, real-world data shows it’s not a rare struggle. Research finds that around 75% of Christian men and 40% of Christian women report viewing pornography at least occasionally, and over half of all practicing Christians admit they’ve consumed pornographic material.  In the broader population, nearly eight in ten men report porn consumption to some degree.  Concealment is also common: one in four men surveyed said they hide their pornography viewing from their partner, and about one in three women express concern about a partner’s use.  Despite these realities, surveys reveal that many Christians believe pornography and sexual health can peacefully coexist, indicating widespread confusion about biblical sexual ethics.